Archive for beyond fear

Mar
01

Today I Choose To Write

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After two hours of diversionary tactics —

A phone call
Some emails
A load of washing —

I finally sit in the chair,
Pen poised on paper
And I hesitate.

I am scared.

Scared of putting myself “out there”
Scared of what you might think of me
Because the writing may be

Too long
Too short
Too revealing

Or

J u s t   P l a i n   D u l l.

But, what other choice is there?

Ignore the impulse.
Ignore the call.

Stay forever comfortable
While life’s potential continues to beckon
And I look the other way.

— Not today

Today I will be done with mediocre.
Today I will write fearlessly.

See!
Look!

I Choose

. . .  sitting in the chair
Pen moving

— I write.

Categories : Creating My Life, Poems
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Oct
07

Will The Real Gillian Please Stand Up?

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Yesterday, I went to a healer. Not something I normally do. But a good friend of mine recommended her work as a short cut to lifting the grey mood and at that point I was willing to try anything. By the time I actually arrived for my appointment the mood was already lifting anyway. But what was interesting was we ended up working on my drive for achievement and she also mentioned the self-criticism. Last week, in a session with my coach he’d suggested that somewhere I’d taken on the need to achieve, as an expression of who I was.

This isn’t new. I’ve been aware of being a high achiever and a “star” since my 20’s but I what I hadn’t quite grasped was the strength of that drive and just how thoroughly that has defined who I am. I’ve been so busy doing what it takes to be a high achiever or feeling down about not achieving enough, that I hadn’t focussed much on the being aspect of it. And, in the latter part of my life, I feel like I haven’t really achieved much anyway. All the things on my list that I wanted to do I’d pretty much done by my 30’s and, since then, I have been in this sort of wilderness desperately trying to find what it is I truly want to do.

And, in that time, I have suffered and been treated for Clinical Depression and, when I got over that, these grey moods that seem to come from nowhere.

This morning I’ve had a bit of an epiphany and the trigger was the healer bringing up the self-criticism again. (See my post ‘To Thine Own Self Be True‘ for more on this). As I said, in that post, for the most part I don’t find self-criticism to be particularly hurtful. It seems to be something I just do. But what is important is the high achiever identity from which it springs. The criticism comes because I’m not doing well enough, not achieving enough, not living up to my impossible standards etc.

Now, that is also a way to explain the depression and grey moods. As I mentioned, by the end of my 20’s I’d pretty much crossed off all the big things on my Life’s To Do List. And, very importantly, I had learned that most of them didn’t deliver what I’d hoped for. As an example, getting a prestigious job didn’t make me feel more important or cleverer or happier, as I’d secretly hoped it would. So, not only had I reached a point where I no longer knew what I wanted, I’d also had the experience (albeit unconsciously) that nothing external would make the sort of difference in my life I was looking for.  Now, combine that with a drive and self-identity built on achievement and no wonder I ended up depressed. I was a high achiever who unconsciously thought that achievement was pointless.

As I began to see this, over the last 24 hours, my first feelings were of sheer terror. If I’m not a high achiever then who the hell am I? How will I operate in this world if that is stripped away? What if I sit around all day doing nothing getting more and more bored, contributing nothing? But this morning the curiosity is beginning to creep in. And the questions are changing to, for example,  whom will I discover when my old identity is stripped away? What will life be like without the drive to achieve and consequent disappointment when I don’t (or do)? What new identity will I chose, if, indeed I have a choice? Do I have a choice?

Suddenly the world is an exciting place again. A place of wonder and curiosity. Suddenly Gillian is an exciting place to be.

Categories : Creating My Life, Mood
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Jul
10

Slow Down – You Move Too Fast

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I awoke this morning feeling energised but in a calmer way than that at the beginning of the week.

The last couple of days I have been in a panic – do I really want to take up coaching again, do I really want to help thousands of people (because that was what the email that sent me in a tail spin suggested), WHAT DO I REALLY WANT TO DO?

The panic culminated in my asking my coach for help yesterday evening and just the process of asking seems to have moved me forward.

“Why the hurry”?

“Why the mad dash to know everything I want now”?

Maybe slowing down to what I want now, today, in this moment is enough.

I can have some ideas of what I might want in the future but that is all they will ever be as long as they are in the future – ideas. When they are being created in the moment they will be what I want but for now the are just ideas.

So, I’m going to have a peaceful kind of day today and slow it right down. In the immortal words of Simon and Garfunkel – I’m “looking for love and feeling groovy”.

Care to join me for a groovy kinda day? 🙂

Categories : Life Unfolds
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Jun
29

Create A Fearless Plan For Your Day

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It is easy to live a distracted life of chaos, where I feel swamped and I’m suffering in so many small distracting ways, and soon I’m a victim.  That is the easiest way to live.  That is the easiest way for humans in our society to live:  to be swamped, to be overwhelmed, to be overworked, to feel like a victim. And suffer.

Especially those of us who have our own businesses, because when we have our own business, we really could work 24 hours a day.  Or so we always think. We would have plenty to do.  If we could find a way to stay alert and awake for 24 hours, we would work 24 hours.  We wouldn’t run out of things to do.  But that’s the problem. It is being indiscriminate, it’s being unwilling to have a ruthless, focused powerful plan. Like a magnifying glass in the meadow in the summer focusing a sunbeam on a dry leaf. THAT would be my most successful day.

But we get distracted. Our fears tug at our hearts. Small fears. Like “I might upset him if I don’t call him right back.” Soon I am lost. Distraction. It’s the biggest problem anybody-especially anybody having their own business-the biggest problem anybody has.  Because if you work for someone else, there will be some structure there and there will be some other people monitoring your every move, so that they make sure you’re on course.  But if you work for yourself every moment presents a whole new choice.  You can do anything at any given moment. And very few people are committed enough to success (or awake enough to how it happens) to create a fearless plan for the day. But that’s the real answer right there: create a fearless plan for your day. Then work it with great heart and wisdom and love.

Author: Steve Chandler from Club Fearless

Categories : Working Better
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Life Moves Archives

Gillian Pearce – Life Moves

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About Life Moves

Life Moves is an unfolding story of my journey to discover and create what I truly want from life. I hope you will find my writings helpful, inspirational, encouraging, amusing or, at the very least, usually worth reading. Please feel free to comment on any posts about which you have an opinion. Or make one up. I do it all the time and it can be very dull, alone in cyberspace.

Bon Voyage!

Gillian